Hi Poetry (I love your name),
Welcome. You have found a wonderful site. I came across it in 2005 and have never left. In the last week I had posted about guilt that I was feeling regarding my husband (a sober addict). Laurie suggested that I make two columns. In the first column, I was to list all of the reasons that I feel guilty. In the 2nd column, I was to write whether I was responsible for the guilt that I was feeling. I discovered that my whole list of guilt consisted of scenarios that my husband had caused - not me...but I was carrying the guilt.
Alanon and recovery have really helped me to understand what detachment with love is. You are right - the diagnosis of the kidney ailment must cloud things for you. I definitely understand that. But it is most likely a repercussion of his lifestyle. I work in an acute care hospital and I see people in this situation all the time. If you have to take him to the hospital just tell them that you are unable to take him home with you - which is the truth. If you did, it would take all of your energy and time.
I think that finding support for you is really the only way to manage this difficult situation. I love that this is a "we" program and not a "me" program. It means that there are people here willinglly to share their experience, strength, and hope. It really really helps so much. We do understand and know of the different pulls that you feel.
Personally, I think that you are an amazing person to allowed your dad to continue to be a part of your life at all. I understand why you have - because he is your dad, afterall, and you do love him. However, people chose their path and although drug addiction is a horrible thing - there is help available. He chose not to take that help.
All I can tell you is that at times like this, I hand really tightly to SR, my recovery, and Alanon. It's easy for me to fall into guilt, shame, and being a victim. I need other people to keep me straight.
Please keep coming back....we are all in this together.