bratnik

Hello SR Community. I just spend an hour writing my story and realized I wasn't logged in. If it happens to show two of my posts, they are duplicated but rewritten. Funny enough - when I couldn't retrieve my first post after all of that writing I was frustrated and saying "it must be a sign that this is not for me" but I'm determined to win this fight this time around, so I rewrite.

I just found this website yesterday and have been reading it ever since. I find it amazing that there is a community out there who knows exactly what I am feeling and have experienced. This is very hard for me - I actually feel like someone is going to read my story and know who I am - but it's a leap I have to take in order to help myself.

I have been a heavy drinker (fun Sally) since I was about 25 (39). I grew up in a small town in the midwest, put myself through college and went to the big city for a career in finance. I was surrounded by a male workforce and always had to prove myself. I found I earned the most respect by going out with the boys/bosses after work and keeping up with them and their drinking, and this impressed them more so than my hard work and great job performance. I had alot of fun and became successful in my career. It seemed all under control - I was running, did a marathon (actually drank a beer in the middle of it to "show off" to my friends) and seemed to be fine. This went on for about 6 years. Work, party, work, party. Coke and ex, clubs after work. In those times I found myself in many compromising situations and for the grace of God, came out unharmed. The drugs ended when I hit 30 but it was still work work work and go out with friends when I wasn't working,

I have been married a few years to a wonderful man. After I married I became extremely depressed - I was always so independent and never pictured myself married to begin with, the financial markets went in the toilet, I lost my identity in my career, and my husband travelled extensively. All of a sudden I felt lost and alone. I still had my friends but with my depression I never wanted to go out anymore, so I found myself drinking alone at home most nights. A bottle of wine here, 2 bottles there. I started therapy and meds and continued with my drinking. That was disastrous and led to many embarrassing moments when I would be out. I would leave the restaurant in the middle of a friend's birthday dinner. I would act like a mess at a friend's party. I would wake up worrying whom I upset this time and what I said. Almost always a blackout but managed to get home every time. I have some very supportive friends who stuck by me - through all this I even though I was acting selfishly, when I wasn't in a binge I was putting everyone else first. I guess that helped and harmed me both.

History: My father was an alcoholic most of my childhood and a raging one for about 5 years before he sought treatment. He was sober for 15 years before relapsing which ultimately lead to his death in detox. My last vision of him was in a diaper on life support being pumped full of morphine and us having to pull the plug. You would think that would be enough, right? Nope.

The past three years my drinking has become worse. I went for a physical about 3 years ago and my liver count was high. My Dr. was very disgusted by it (we didn't really have a relationship) and acted very judgmental (sp?). I was already depressed and embarrassed enough by my drinking and to have this reaction from someone I was to trust made me crawl into a hole. After two weeks of not drinking i had another test and it was back to normal but he was the same. I haven't been to a GP since and have a new hatred for them.

Due to the financial crisis I lost my job. I started drinking more. My husband travels ALOT for his job so I had all of this time at home by myself. He doesn't know the extent of it, although he knows I have a problem with alcohol. It has gotten very bad a couple of times, the fighting when I'm drunk...etc. But he doesn't even know the amount I REALLY drink. We moved recently and I am in a house all day. So, I turned to wine as my companion. I started drinking in the morning, afternoon, passing out, drinking more at night. Lately, I have been feeling a pain in my right side and I'm sure it's my liver. He doesn't know - I can't tell him. I'm afraid to go to a Dr. because of the last reaction from the previous Dr. But I know I have to go. I have been reading posts and find encouragement that there ARE Drs who are compassionate and don't judge. I am now ready to go. I'm scared of having this on my record if there is something wrong, though.

Most people and friends know me as "she likes her wine" and I have made myself a fool many times in front of people. I have confessed to my good friends (whom already know) my situation and they have been supportive. My friends are all drinkers - but they can stop at 2. I can't. Now that I am alone in a new city, I don't have to worry about anyone seeing me so I stay home and drink. On the outside, I look like a normal suburban housewife. When I leave the house I wear my makeup and dress well and look my best, but when I don't leave the house (sometimes for days) I look horrible.

I have been living in a closed-hell for months. I obsess about my drinking and what it is doing to me and my health. I have a huge secret from my husband about the amount I really drink. I stop drinking before he comes home from his trips. We drink quite a bit together because we love food and wine. But he can stop or not drink at all. I keep a pretty good handle on it when he is here, but when he is gone, I go crazy. I can go without when he is here or we have company, but the minute I am alone, the binge begins.

Sunday I decided to stop. Luckily, I haven't had any physical withdrawals. I actually already feel 1000 times better and look better too. My right side has stopped hurting, for the most part. I am productive and have energy. Thought "this is it"! It's working! And it is, Day 5. Psycologically, I haven't yet missed the drinking. There is even a half open bottle of wine in the fridge that I just look past. I'm not sure why I left it there. I've quit before for a few weeks here, few months there, and always think afterward that now I can moderate. We all know that is not the case. That voice started speaking today.

I had the Today show on this morning and they were doing a segment on wine; "this one is perfect for a day at the beach" - "perfect for a picnic" - and the trigger hit. I had to shut off the tv. I love it in those events - but those events lead to me waking up on Monday, having a glass at 11 am and not stopping the cycle.

So here I am. I tried AA years back for a few weeks, I didn't like it, but may try it again. I'd like to start here with SR and slowly come out of this secret. This was very hard for me to get the courage to tell this story but I found the love and support here to be compelling for me to join.

Thanks for listening to my story and for sharing all of yours to get me here.

Here's to another productive day.