Poetry

Hi everyone : )

I came across this site in my search for Al Anon literature regarding boundaries and enabling. I've been reading the stickies and lurking, and it has been an immense help to me. For that, I thank you all!

I have trouble setting boundaries with many people in my life, but especially with my father. He has been an addict nearly my whole life. His problems began with alcohol, but quickly progressed to cocaine and eventually to meth abuse. As I teen, I became extremely rebellious and began to experiment with drugs myself. Before long, my father and I were using cocaine together. That ended when I came clean to my mom about what we were doing. She was in Al Anon at the time, and getting stronger as a person, but I think finding out her husband was sharing drugs with her daughter eliminated all doubt about what she should do, so she got all of us out of there (I have one lovely sister), and left him for good.

I began to get better when we were away from my father full-time. I stopped doing drugs, and managed to get my GED even though I'd missed - literally - years of high school. I got a job working with animals which I loved. I fell in love with my now husband. I forgave my dad (or so I thought), and still spent some weekends with him after my mom left him. He was my dad after all, right? I worshiped him as a kid. He remained addicted to meth, but I decided to ignore his drug use and sort of love him as-is, if that makes any sense.

This acceptance of his addiction went on for years and years. I married, moved into my own place with my husband, had my own life, and I still had a close relationship with my addict dad (and even his addict wife). I thought, wow, I'm really good at this acceptance thing. Let him do his thing, and I'll do mine. Who am I to judge?

Eventually, my dad's wife left him. They'd do a bunch of meth and fight horribly quite often. She was increasingly paranoid, and he was increasingly irresponsible with money. It was a horrible train wreck to watch. After 15 years, she left, and all the druggie friends dad had moved in. I started to distance myself, and dad whined that I never visited. He got a dog to keep himself company.

Eventually, my dad got evicted from his rental home. He squatted in the property owner's garage until he was discovered. I told him, "No, you cannot live here" when he asked if he could stay with me. I felt guilty. I cried a lot. I yelled at him and said really mean things to him too. I broke down from time to time after my initial "no" and let him spend some nights here against my better judgment, but refused to let him move in.

He moved himself into the park across the street from his former home, and eventually sought shelter in a shed on some abandoned property. My husband and I would visit him at a nearby restaurant sometimes to see how he was doing. I left all these encounters sobbing and feeling like the worst daughter in the world for leaving him on the street. He told stories of people with mental illnesses and being punched in the face. He refused to go to a shelter because his dog wasn't allowed there.

So my dad has been homeless for over a year, only now he is very ill with kidney disease. I found a free medical clinic that would treat him (like a good little enabler), and have been driving him to and from appointments, but they are becoming more and more frequent. I'm constantly worried, upset, angry, frustrated, and on-edge about my dad. I am allowing his problems to take over my life again. I don't want him to die, but I want to be free of this! I can't believe I feel so hostile, because he's an ill man, but I'm now 35 years old, and I want to finally be free of his problems. I've had to live with his addiction and its aftermath my whole life, and I'm so freaking tired at this point. I want serenity and peace, and his life is total chaos. I could spend 10 years sorting out all his crap, and it wouldn't even scratch the surface. Why does guilt affect me so, and turn me into an enabler? He keeps calling today, and I'm ignoring it, but it's tough, as I know he needs a ride to another appointment and a dog sitter. I don't know if I'm a mean person who throws her dad into the street, an enabler, or going nuts, but I'm very confused about the "right" thing to do now, you know?

Thank you for allowing me to share and vent. I've researched Al Anon meetings in my area already; I just have to work up the courage to go now.