Dear Hurt,
I am so sorry for your difficulties - and I really mean it. Dealing with someone in addiction is sooooooo confusing. I think that we are just going to have a million questions that will never really be answered - mainly because we don't understand addiction to a chemical from the inside out. All we really understand is how we love someone that has been hijacked by a substance...
I have lived through my husband's addiction, his sobriety, early work in recovery, and then rejection of any sort of program other than his own brand of sobriety. His version of sobriety ultimately destroyed our relationship.
There are a few things that I have discovered in the 2 short weeks that I have been apart from him....I am happier, I am more peaceful. The fastest way for me to lose my sense of well being is to interact with him. No contact is really hard. There are parts of me that get lonely and long for the crazy connection that we had. Then there are the parts that believe that maybe things can be different.
I want to address each of your questions ....
is it normal to have so many questions? Yes. How could it not be? This is a confusing thing.
How can you do this to yourself? There is a point where that becomes a moot point. The only thing you can control is whether you take that first hit or not. Once addiction sets in (whether it is the 1st of 1000th drink or hit) then it all changes. Years ago I asked my husband if he didn't worry that he was going to die....he said that his only worry was that he would live. Go figure....
How could you do this to us? Well, the only thing that really matters (no matter how much they care for you) is the drug. It hurts like hell to know that but it's just the truth. Nothing can compare to the feeling that occurs when they are high (at least according to my husband).....nothing else is as important. All judgement and reasoning ceases.
How could you do this to me? He probably didn't want to do this to you - you just happened to be a cog in the wheel that helped him to justify his use. Maybe he needed to feel that he had a "normal" girlfriend and that meant that he wasn't THAT bad. It's hard to accept and believe that people can ever become that sociopathic. Even good people get hijacked by drugs and imminate an evil force.
How long has his family known? Probably a good long while. BUT not the whole extent of it. Many families of addicts live in denial (you know, "the Nile...that river in Egypt). They have their own issues that are caught up in the addictive cycle. It is definitely not a healthy family system.
Why didn't you see the signs? Beacause you talked yourself out of them or he hid them so well that you didn't see them. I wanted to believe what I wanted to believe - and loving a drug addict wasn't in my game plan. I worked really hard to make that not true. Except it was.
How long has it been going on? No telling. You will probably never know the truth except for it's probably longer than you think.
When will he quit contacting you? When he knows that you won't respond or react.
How long will this hurt? It depends on you. Your support system. Your willingness to let go. Whether you are in counseling or working a recovery program. The more that you go "no contact" the faster you will heal and quit hurting.
How can I trust again? When you learn how to trust yourself. I promise that when this happens you will never again ask this question. What you don't trust is that if someone betrays you that you will take the steps that you need to take to protect youself. It will come in time if you do the work to make it happen.
How do you forgive yourself? Through prayer and meditation. One of the fastest routes for me was working the 12 steps with a sponsor.
How did I like someone like this into my life? You were vulnerable. You wanted things to be the way you wanted them to be. We ignore all of the warning signs because we so badly want love to happen. Plus, he probably fooled the heck out of you. I'm pretty astute and good with liers but my husband completely duped me.
After so long why didn't you tell me? Because "I" wanted to keep this deal going. I liked how I had both "you" and my drug. Why would I have told you?
Would it have made a difference? Who knows? Depends on how deep you were into it. On some level, I knew from the the very beginning that something was amiss. I continually talked myself out of it. You probably did too...but it might take a while to admit it.
How long is it going to take for him to get it? Well.....until other people quit giving him a soft spot to land. Pure and simple.
How long is it going to take for him to see that this makes it harder for me? Well....until you make it stop by ignoring his calls and contacts.
When is he going to put you and your feelings 1st? Probably never. The real question is - when are you going to put you and your feelings 1st?
When is he going to accept that he has ruined your relatiionship? When you truly end it and walk away. And stay away. When are you going to accept that he has ruined "you" and that it is over?
I realize that you probably never expected anyone to really try and answer your questions. The truth is....these are all questions that I have about my own situation. I think that you are asking the questions of the ages - the questions that each of us has.....I know that if I search deeply within myself that the answers are all there...which is why I answered your questions. Not for you - but because we all ask them. And really, we all already know the answers.....