I can realte to not getting any "credit" for tolerating, and finally for helping him to get help.
It is immature, though, and she needs to own that she did that stuff of her own chois=ce and will, and that we do not always get credit for things in life.
I also understand the sense of RAH getting new life, a fresh start, and then my "stuff" seemed so old and I felt left holding the emotional bag of anger, while he got to go off and try everything fresh.
She may need t acknowledge that she became ill in her reactions to your illness. This is hard, because we spend so many years trying to make someone see that they are so out of balance, we dont want to look down at ourselves and realize or worse---ADMIT that we have also become lost in a sea of anger and resentment.
Alanon would help, but if she is opposed, you cannot make her go any more that she could force you to an AA meeting while you wer still active.
It is humbling and scary when the focus of all our attention was a sick and emotionally crippled person, and then they start to get well, and the spotlight has to come back to oursleves.
If she wont go to alanon, she definitely needs therapy or at least needs to write out all her angries. Because, I can tell you from experience, they dont just go away, and sustained change from a recovering partner does not happen overnight, and trust doesnt just sprout up and flourish right away.
I would suggest she write down all her residual frustrations, fears, and past hurts and angers.
She needs to see them, and let them go.
BUt, dont expect her to trust and feel safe right away, she is in recovery, also...in her own way.