Yes, the questions are part of the healing process. Going totally NC will help you to let go. Right now he is occupying too much of your brain space. Valuable space that you need to reserve for you, and, your recovery.
There are no answers to your questions, with an addict nothing they do makes any sense.
He will never put your feelingf first, accept it and move forward with your life. You deserve so much more.
Take care of you,