First of all I would like to say thank you for this post. I have not lost a loved one to alcohol yet. your story really touched me because if you replace your mother in the story with my mother. It fits almost perfectly. I love the sober days. I love the days when I think I have my mother back. And I cry like a baby every time she relapses, which is too often. she drives 3 hours away, locks herself in a hotel, stops answering her phone, and refuses to tell anyone where she is (if they are lucky enough to contact her) She has mentioned wanting to die a several times when she binges.
Even though she is here, it feels like she is already gone. The bad days are more frequent than the good ones. I have done everything I can to try to get her to seek help for herself.
Yet, the bad days are still more frequent than the good days. I didn't cause this. I can't control this. I cannot cure this. But it still hurts. It hurts that I have so much life to live that I want my mother there for and she is choosing to do this to herself. It kills me that she is such a kind wonderful person (sober) and yet she will probably never meet my children (i haven't had kids yet) It hurts me that my children will never meet her. They deserve to be able to know her, and to have a relationship with her but with every drink she is slowly taking that right away from them.
I would like to think I have come to terms with the reality that she won't be around much longer. but then I catch myself getting angry and sad and I realize that actually losing her is going to be a million times worse than believing she will die soon.
I can't imagine what you are going through, but sincerely, thank you for your story.