Nodl5
I found reading the big book really helful in the first week (ending week 3 today). It is available online for free (gratitude........!!). I have dealt with a lot of guilt and shame etc. we can get stuck and the self flagellation its gets overdone. Reread your post. What I hear is a guy who has had enough, is already making a 'fearless moral inventory' of and wants to change. Where you are is an OK place to be, and in time it will change.