Still Fighting 3 years later
I have been completely sober for 3 years this coming October. When I finally hit rock bottom and broke down, my only choice to get well was to leave everyone behind. I tried for the first year to bring my friends along with me, but in the end the various methods I used not only did not work, but backfired. The three closest people in my life - two lifelong friends and their sister who was my fiancée at the time - resented me and to this day I occasionally hear bad news once in a while through the grapevine about their lives still poisoned with crime, drugs and alcohol.
Almost every day I think about my past life. I would never, ever trade what I have become - successful and sober - for my past unhealthy habits and relationships. Even now thinking about speed-balling everyday, dropping acid every weekend, stealing and lying, and bragging about the wall of empty whiskey bottles makes me so sick to my stomach it is infinitely worse than my worst days as an addict.
But I am alone and have been for a few years. No girlfriends or meaningful friendships. I exercise, stay educated, and work at a job I love, but I am a loner. In the beginning it was a necessary evil to isolate myself and I credit this decision for being the primary reason I was able to put the pieces of my life back together. I am afraid though, that this decision, combined with damage I believe I caused my brain with drugs (and the poisonous relationships I maintained), has altered my personality in a way which makes it very, very difficult to trust anyone. I am relatively content but so distant. I want to love and be loved, get married and have kids. But I just can't burst through what I believe is the very last barrier built by my past addiction and resulting recovery. I want to trust, to let someone in, but I just can't. Does anyone know these feelings? How do I finally move on and trust again?? Thank you so much for reading and/or replying. I really appreciate it.