Originally Posted by
jds0401 
I can relate to having a mother like this (mine is much more extreme in that she's emotionally and verbally abusive to a degree I can't be around her) and I was young when my father died (too young to know if he was a true A or just a problem drinker).....but I do know my mother is a raging codependent with extreme control issues....she will NEVER admit she's done anything wrong and just like you said she makes it all about her. She was controlling to the point she would call my jobs, and try to manipulate my boyfriends....I had to go NC in my case as it was making it impossible for me to have a chance at a healthy life.
Good for you for forgiving her! I wish I could do that - even at NC with my mother I know I need to emotionally let it go and I haven't been able to, I still have nightmares and relive some of the events of my childhood....when I was two she was so ill and stressed out she left a pan on the stove or hours and hours and fell asleep and the house caught on fire...the neighbors called 911. This is the CODIE that did this not the A - it proves to me we are just as sick as our A's. God I sometimes worry I will become her.
Good for you for breaking the cycle...I think you're doing great.
JDS---
You do understand! I'm sorry your mom is still in the verbally abusive cycle. That was one hurdle we had, too, and I moved 550 miles away a few years ago to help place the physical barrier so that I could draw some boundaries. Queen Codie made sure everyone knew I did that because I was "just like" my bio-dad and had to control *her* emotions by moving. Really, she made it about her again. That is co-dependency at its finest, really. To think a grown child wouldn't flap her wings and fly....
The whole idea that I found myself mired in this situation made me determined not to live the same life a second time. I got out of it relatively quickly once I realized what I'd found myself in. I had to do a few reality checks in there to make sure I wasn't overreacting. Sure, I second-guessed myself a thousand times.
But, the point is, while you and I are proud of me for doing this, for making steps to be independent of a disease that has haunted me for a lifetime, she doesn't even have the capacity to be. Not even in a place where this is valuable. As many times as I've wished health for ABF or even for my bio-dad, I've realized health is not possible for my mom, either. The hope I might've had stored for them has been snuffed out.
Upward and onward!!