Implosion (cool name choice), crossing the line and going from just reading these post to actually posting is a major step. Good Job!!!
I struggled a long time on my own. And telling or writing (even anonymously) other people that I have a problem that I can not resolve on my own was extremely difficult. Almost imposible. I continued to make progress in reaching out for help by going to aa, and then continuing to go even after I relapsed (like 10 times).
I have 28 days sober right now, and have been told by others that I will probably relapse again and that I should get into a rehab program. That is my current struggle with reaching out for help, the line I am still too stubborn to cross. If I do relapse again, I know I have to cross that line. Because like you, I can not afford to relapse any more.
I can say this one thing, everytime I have reached out, I have never regreted it. It's hard, but always rewarding. I don't know what it's going to take for you to get to aa, or for me to check myself into a program, but when we both get there I know we will not regret it.
Dune