implosion

Hi,

I've been lurking around this board for two years now, never had the desire to write or express myself...just reading the posts was therapeutic for me. I'm very comfortable observing (from a safe distance), and didn't want to get involved.

Til now I never realized how much of that is my problem. I've struggled with alcohol for 13 years now. Seriously trying to quit for 7. In that time I've never actively searched for treatment. I have tried to help myself through reading books, but I find myself losing this battle over and over again.

I recently relapsed after 4 months of sobriety, and almost lost my job, disappointed my coworkers, and my wife. My feelings about sharing things with people have become secondary, I can't survive another relapse without loss, and will pull out every stop to make sure this never happens again.

I would like to start AA, but I have the same problem. I feel like I can't push myself out the door. I know I need to get involved, but can't seem to find the motivation. There is some sub-conscious resistance to pushing myself into talking with people about these things.

My wife is very supportive, but doesn't really understand what it is that I'm going through. I need more.

I'm forcing myself into AA and using this board. This is my first step, no more lurking!

This is really just a long hello. So Hello! I'm glad to be here.