Hi Grabbber, welcome so SoberRecovery. I'm so sorry you're having a bad time with this. We all understand, I'm fighting alcohol, I don't know anything about drugs, but I do know an addiction is an addiction, and all of them are ugly, and all of them sink their claws real deep in us.
You're on your way today, reaching out for help, but you have to LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN to the help that will some your way. You can get yourself out of this mess, but you have to really want it, and WORK hard at it, that means look for face to face help, you can't do it on your own, most can't anyway.
Please go get some outside help, and don't be afraid, they will guide you, get you on the right track get your thinking right, and yes your HP, he's there waiting for you to connect with him, and when you find him, hang on hard, your answer is there, don't be afraid. Time to stop this INSANITY.
Wishing you all the best on your recovery, and I'm so happy you've found SR, the gang here are the best teachers around, BUT you have to LISTEN, let them help guide you. The love, understanding, and non judging is ah heck they are the BEST.
Love and hugs.....Denise