nicam--i am WITH you... knowing all of the logic and yet still obsessing and being unable to truly move on, like how everyone says to...
mine had depression, which i think was really a personality disorder (since it wasn't really a mood problem, and more like a constant personality he's developed into since he was a child)... and mixed with alcoholism. ive had no contact for 4.5 months now, but just because we haven't had contact doesn't mean i havent been putting energy into him, which i KNOW i shouldn't (and the knowing i shouldn't part makes me feel even more crazy). i dont know what it is about me that makes me keep wanting to psychoanalyze this entire situation (i've read depression forums, things on abusive relationships, obviously SR, etc). i AM a very intellectual person that analyzes EVERYTHING (im a philosophy/science student). it annoys the crap out of me that there are people "out there" that play into his ******** and enable, and probably see me as the blame--hell, when i was with him i remember the vitriol he'd spew about other people that were "making his life a living hell" so i can only imagine what's been said about me, which literally gives me ulcers thinking about. i HATE (and probably aren't ready in accepting) that i could have been the other half to a toxic relationship. i haven't had a toxic relationship EVER... and im generally well-liked, so for me to accept that i was the other half of toxicity makes me feel like i did something wrong--that i should've "known better" how to act, then it wouldn't have been toxic and maybe would have lasted.
but, as my therapist has pointed out--the kinds of problems we were dealing with (mental issues and alcoholism) made it impossible to not be in a toxic environment. we adapted our behaviors in this relationship to "survive" and maybe it made us the other half of toxic behaviors, but if we hadn't adapted--then the relationship probably wouldn't have even lasted as long--we'd have been let go A LOT sooner for some one else that would be able to put up with and adapt to alcoholism.
i am not sure i have much advice. i just want to say YES i completely understand where you are coming from. i DO keep in mind that maybe this is just a form of my getting distracted from my life--so what i AM doing is making sure that i keep my life going forward. so far, this has helped in lessening the frequency of my thoughts about our relationship fall out... since your fallout is more recent than mine, just take it easy--progress on a daily basis is going to seem miniscule. Hell, i still have days where i feel like i haven't progressed... but just keep looking to the future, YOUR future... because every day that you keep looking ahead is another day further from your lowest point. it can only go up from here, right?