wanttobehealthy

My bday is on the 31st of this month and for the past 12 yrs AH, some of my siblings and I have all gone to this rustic home on a lake belonging to my mom's bff way the heck up in Maine. Months ago we all decided for a number of reasons that this wasn't going to happen this year and it was for more reasons than bc AH and I aren't able to be around each other in a healthy way.

Anyway, as the long weekend approaches I've been hit by how sad I feel.

I'm thinking about how nice this weekend has been at that house for so many birthdays, how the 1st year I invited AH (who was just a friend at the time) up there with us all was kind of the start of our falling in love, and have been remembering all the amazing, fun, laughter and love filled times we had together up there and am stunningly sad.

I didn't expect to be this sad. I figured- hey, I'm not upset about it, guess I won't be even as it approaches and I'm feeling caught off guard.

The memories are all happy ones and honestly, they are harder to deal with right now than the sad ones. At least the sad/angering times I can be angry about and move on. The happy memories remind me of what I wanted, what we HAD, what we don't have and I just feel down today...

I'm going to have dinner/drinks with a few friends this weekend one night and just plan to have a nice long weekend with the girls, but honestly, right now, I just kind of want the weekend and my bday to come and go and be over. I'd like to have a mini Rip Van Winkle experience and fall asleep and wake up on Tuesday!

Thanks for listening...