Once I was at the "out of control" later progression of my drinking (2bottles of wine a night) I decided I had to moderate it. I said to myself, only on the weekends. that lasted a few months and then I allowed myself to drink a week night because it had been so long since I had and that night continued for months into several nights of black outs and waking wondering what I'd done the night before - scared to look online, at my phone and wondering how I got in my bed.
This is a progressive disease that one day bites you in the hind end! I wondered how the heck I got so far into this and realized, "I can't drink anymore." I felt sad, surreal, embarrassed, ashamed, etc. But most of all afraid I was going to die and leave my son motherless. Worse die and have him find me.
It's good that you are here. I'm glad I found this site and that I'm attending AA as much as I can. I'm terrified to drink again. I would start right where I left off and probably be dead in a couple of years. Heck i was working on getting up to 2 and a half bottles the last week of drinking, that's when I knew I was past the point of no return and I had to be done.
And you think you can ramble! HA! LOL