Hello Brighton,
I am so sorry for your loss.
My alcoholic father died in August, after being ill for about two years. He was 70 at the time and died of complications due to a lifetime of smoking and drinking.
He died in a Medicaid only nursing home. I lived four hours away by car, but I did get to see him the day before he died. It wasn't pleasant.
What got me through his illness and eventual death was sharing on a forum similar to this. I had so many conflicting emotions - anger, embarrassment, sadness, fear, relief, and even love.
Writing, sharing, and reading other people's shares made such a difference.
When he died I held a small memorial service and gave a eulogy. Working on the eulogy also helped me. I tried to look at his life for what it was. There were parts of him that were wonderful and then parts that weren't so wonderful. I'm still sad that he was never able to give up his addictions, but for whatever reasons that is not how his life was meant to turn out.
I once read somewhere that sometime all your parents can do is provide an example of how NOT to live your life. My father definitely demonstrated what can happen when someone chooses to not address their illnesses and their past.
After he died, what came as the biggest shock to me was that I actually miss him.
I have since gotten a picture enlarged of him holding me as a baby and put it on my dresser. In it he is young, healthy, handsome, and full of potential. In the photo he looks happy and glad to be a father. I like to remember him that way.
I also like to think that he's in a better place now and no longer struggling or suffering.
Keep coming back!
Thank you for letting me share.
db