I stayed clean for almost 4 years. Crack is my DOC and I went out and smoked crack after a pretty long stretch of not using. It has been 15 days since I last used. I am sorry that we both relapsed. It has been a struggle to not use since the relapse, but I know where it will end up for me, bad to the millionth degree. It is especially hard on the weekends. I think it is important to have at least one person that you can really be honest with about how you are feeling, someone who won't judge you for even thinking about it. I have always heard that before a relapse we have a choice, but after that first hit, the choice is gone. The train just goes right off the track, that is how it is for me. One is to many and a 1000 isn't enough, I hate those little phrases, but they really do make some sense. I totally understand what you are going through.