Takingcharge, I have to agree with the enemy red carpet idea. I have learned so much about myself and it is nice that I am in recovery and can be honest with myself about what I am letting into my life (even if I don't really think it's very healthy). It's MY recovery and I accept who I am right now. It is not a choice to live in denial anymore!
I know it's not so smart to let him into my life, I will probably get hurt, but as my "Just For Today" bookmark tells me, "I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it." There is more to life than those crappy feelings!
Sandrawg, I keep reading the last line
I'm just not sure if all the manipulation he did of me, was part of his disease or just his personality was really lame.
It makes me laugh. This disease is so baffling cunning and powerful, right? What you said cracks me up. It is very true.
BB, dang girl, you said it like it is, for real. Hit that nail right on the head. I thought I had the problem figured out, but I didn't, and it's not my job.
That being said, I will segue into bad recovery by analyzing the problem: Something to do with him feeling not good enough, not deserving enough, and like he is just going to hurt me. But part of said problem is also not being able to appreciate a truly wonderful relationship because he is constantly self-sabotaging.
Self-fulfilling prophecies are very true. You put your consciousness in that place of hurt, and that is right where you will be led. Every time. I don't believe that hurt is supposed to be my life story. There is going to be lots and lots of joy and laughter, and just general okay-ness
I also have MAJOR issues with believing that I am really going to "save" him. I walk a fine line here, folks, I think this may be crappy codependent, bad recovery territory...
Maybe others can relate to this: He has never loved anyone, which tells me he has never loved himself.
I loved others, but am only just learning to love myself. So the whole loving myself thing is very new. And those people that I "loved"? Well, I haven't formed much of an opinion on that yet, except that it wasn't the love that my HP is helping me learn for myself.
I truly believe that he and I both gain knowledge and self-love by this whole relationship thing we have been going through. AND I keep thinking (thinking bad, grasshopper!), that in loving him unconditionally the same way I am learning to love myself unconditionally, I really learn what all that means. It means I can express myself honestly and respectfully without worrying about outcomes. I have done no contact, and have been ready to walk away from him, but I just haven't been done with him and the relationship.
I don't know if he will ever "get" it that I just love him as he is, and in the end it doesn't really matter because I am going to take care of myself and my kids and my doggie first and foremost. We have been through all this and I am totally good with him being around when he is good and having alone time when he ain't but I just want him to come back to me. I like my alone time, too, ya know. But oh, that saving thing. I am really just admitting that to myself...
Stella, isn't it nice to know that things work out just as they should? I am thankful for where I am today, it is about a billion times better than I was a year and a half ago.
for the feedback. It really helps me on my journey. And I appreciate the safe place to express myself. What a gift to have found this place
