Instead of feeling sad (which I have for a long time) about having lost sight of who I am and what I think, I feel I am getting a second chance to figure this out. I feel like I have the world at my feet and I really can decide what direction to go in, what I want, what matters to me and I'm going to pursue things that make me happy, that I am passionate about and all that's stopping me right now is the simple fact that I am not completely sure what those things are... I need to figure it out...
I think that's exactly where I am, too.
I like my job and love the people I work with -- it allows me to grow and learn.
I started a small business to supplement my income, and fired my biggest client after realizing the person I was dealing with was acting like an A. (That was huge!)
I think this transition/transformation is enjoyable. It's also helped that I'm in a relationship with a person who knew me before I knew AXH. So he can remind me of crazy stuff we used to do, crazy dreams we used to have -- and while I no longer haev those dreams, remembering them reminds me that
I used to have dreams before my marriage. Like WTBH, I don't yet know what my new dreams are, but I know it's OK to have them again.
One of the most amazing discoveries for me is that I'm really good with money and finances. AXH would never let me handle the finances (for obvious reasons -- I'd figure out that he spent three times as much on booze in a week as I got to spend on food for the family), and somehow that translated into "You can't handle money" in my mind.
Oh, and I'm working on my body image. Whatever possessed AXH to marry me, I don't know -- I've never been tiny, and he basically wanted me to be anorexic-looking. He'd be evil with his put-downs if I gained weight. (Of course it wasn't about what I looked like, it was about controlling me. I know that.) So after leaving, I've relaxed my extremely strict eating habits and am actually loving my more curvaceous body most days. I still have fallbacks when I see what I think he would see when I look at myself, but they're fewer and fewer.