>>WHY am I still struggling and wanting to believe on some level that things will be different or that I will be able to find some way to stand this?<<
Because you love him. I've learned that love absolutely is NOT rational.
I have an AD, who is very early in her recovery. Maybe. Right now she's talkin' the talk. My heart loves it. But my head keeps reminding me she has to walk the walk.
Hugs to you. Keep working your recovery and keep coming back here.