What is wrong with me that I am struggling so internally with a situation that I could so clearly see from outside if it weren’t me?
Last week my abstinent husband hurled a dinner plate that landed a foot above my head. It broke completely through the drywall and then splinted throughout the room. Through the grace of God I was spared physical injury. Of course now, I am hearing “you incited me”, “I wasn’t aiming at you”, “I wasn’t trying to hurt you”. Obviously, these are typical responses of an abuser.
He has not worked a program since 1 month after we married 4+ years ago. At the time that we married he had been sober for 18 months, was involved with NA/AA and had been working the steps with a sponsor. My bottom line when I married him was that I would not be in a relationship with him if he was not working a recovery program. I did not adhere to my bottom lines. I became very interwoven financially with him and close to one of his sons. I let that color my bottom line and I take responsibility for that. I continually adjusted that line and accepted that he was not going to participate in any recovery program.
Living with a sober addict (also diagnosed with bipolar and on meds) has been incredibly difficult. Self will has definitely run riot in him. The scenario has been very push/pull….right as he feels me pulling away it’s all clarity, apology, give me another chance, we are one another’s destiny, it’s God’s will that we are together, etc. This time he after the latest blow up he has said he will go back to AA (2 meetings a week but no sponsor) and enter counseling (every two weeks). I doubt that he will have any follow through, he is reacting – not acting. But….I can feel that pulling me back in and wanting to believe that that might really happen and that it would make a difference. There has never been any follow through on his part. He’s always gone back a time or two to meetings and then stopped.
WHY am I still struggling and wanting to believe on some level that things will be different or that I will be able to find some way to stand this? I realize that is no way to live life but yet I am doing this (again and again). I dread the begging and pleading, the legal aspects of it all, packing up and moving (1st to a rental and then eventually again once my house sells). He won’t leave the house so my only option is to move myself. I could have him removed but physically and financially cannot manage our home by myself. I do have an appt with a lawyer on Monday afternoon to try and figure out my options.
I am really struggling with all the options, hopes and dreams, reality, and anxiety swimming all around in my head. Still working my program, upping my meetings, etc. I would appreciate any experience, strength, and hope that anyone has to share.
Donna