My heart aches for your struggles. Oh how I wish I could grab you up and rescue you from all the vicious cycles, all the falls and pAIN..NOT SO LONG AGO I STRUGGLED SO HARD, FELL AND RELAPSED AND STOOD BACK UP ONLY TO FALL DOWN AGAIN..BUT AS LONG AS YOU GET BACK UP AND ACTIVELY SEEK SOBRIETY I BELIEVE YOU WILL FIND IT!
A few minutes ago I was on the phone with my dad...all of a sudden he ask "Do you need a few pain pills?" Imediately and without hesitation I said..NO! No! No!...Don't even want to SEE them...THAT is a miracle for me...Not so long ago I would have tken one, then two...then down the road to hell I would go....hollering the whole time WHY do I FEEL so bad??? Why? Why? WHY? Finally I said...I WILL do WHATEVER it takes..take any pain..because at least there might be a chance I can make it by being abstinent, by faCING MYSELF SOBER.....I improvised for 'feeling' good, I faked it, I wrote in a journal, I cried and hollered and screamed..but I didn't use..and slowly I learned to adapt..I learned to find peace from within, found strength where before I thought I had none..and my thinking started clearing up...some fears vanished.....and that is basically how I overcome...how I live..improvising, adapting, overcoming. It is a daily process...cannot miss a day, a moment really, of conviction for my intent of being free.....but it works for me. I have you both in my prayers Sibilla and Gianna..and ALL of you. You CAN HEAL! There IS hope....we have to show up for it though..that was difficult for me..I had to stop saying 'perhaps" today is the day....that leaves me wide open to chance and whims of the moment..I had to BELIEVE I would make it...even if it meant faking it. No matter how bad the pain was.....drugs/alcohol will make it worse. I understand that knowledge of that doesn't make it any easier to DO...BUT it is possible, when we want it bad enough to GET IT!.......
I am praying for you..you CAN make it!!!!
((((((((((((((Warmest Hugs))))))))))))))))