My 2 cents on recognizing and identifying codependency.
I can only speak from my experiencing recovering from it.
For me, codependence is addiction to controlling people and situations. I didn't become this way due to XABF as all my relationships were codependent (friendships, coworkerships, familial relationships). Most of my friends needed fixing or came from emotionally unavailable backgrounds or abusive homes. I would be the work martyr who would work 14 hrs a day, never speak up and then secretly steam in silence when I wouldn't get recognized. In my family I held myself responsible to make sure my parents were happy even though they can't stand each other - but I was never allowed to bring this up.
The sickest thing is that I was obviously getting something out of it (though I would have vehemently denied it at the time) as I kept doing it. It was familiar to me. It was comfortable because it was familiar. These days, it's neither.
Being able to spot codependency before I had a handle on recovering from it is like trying to describe colour to someone who has never been able to see.
Before I was able to recover from it, I would denial my way into believing I did terribly codependent things for non-codependent reasons. I have done enough work over the years to realize the motivation behind my behaviour will "give away" its true intent if I am willing to honestly look at myself.
Being honest was also a challenge. I wasn't waking up and saying, "oh I see the sky is blue but I'm going to say red." My dishonesty resided where I would wake up, see a red sky and say it was red, believe with all my heart it was red...but the sky was actually blue. Denial is the worst type of lie in my book. Recovering from it was waking up and seeing the world as it actually is for the first time.
Speaking of honest reflection, I give special attention to things that p1ss me off - as those things hold great importance for me and are typically things I'm in denial about that need addressing.
Some folks here have replied to some of my posts in the past that left me fuming - to those of you who did...thank you! I get it
