Originally Posted by
sillysquirrel 
I am VERY upset that he would say such a thing to our children. Why would he want to make them insecure about their relationship with their own mother? They are his his children, after all. Doesn't he want them to feel safe and happy? Does he really want them to think their Mother could just up and leave them? He knows that I would NEVER "write them off". He knows they are the most important thing to me and NOTHING comes before the happiness, health, and safety of my 4 children. So, I am viewing his words like this....It is more important and "fun" for him to put me down and try and make me feel bad (and in the process, make our children feel bad) than it is to have happy, secure children.
He is downplaying this and saying I am making a big deal out of nothing. He says the kids don't even know what he meant when he said it. I think they do...or they have a good idea....and if they don't, they will probably find out.
So, am I crazy??? Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Or was this statement completely inappropriate?
You are not making a big deal out of nothing and as a mother I cringed reading what he said in front of all your kids. Your take about the impact that kind of stuff can have, that you wrote above, seems pretty dead on to me.
It's the ways that their behavior impacts the kids that is the absolute hardest for me to take. I totally agree that that kind of remark takes away a kids sense of security that you will be there no matter what. He can claim that the kids don't know what he said all he wants but kids hear and see way more than we know or care to admit.
As for why he did it or why he'd do something like that? I guess it's bc he's an alcoholic and he's not thinking of anyone else. He's thinking that he is angry and hurting and wants to blame you and it doesn't matter who he hurts in the process of doing that. It's not all that different than my "R"AH not showing up when he said he would a week ago, doing so intentionally to "hurt" me and then hurting the girls in the process and later blaming me for it... They are concerned with how they feel and any/all behavior to improve their feelings is justifiable (in their minds).
I am so sorry you had to deal with that on Mother's Day -- and I am so sorry your kids had to hear the quacking from him. Your kids are lucky to have you as a mom...
In a nutshell, he knows the best way to hurt me is through my children. What better way to hurt me than to say I am an unfit parent? I don't feel comfortable leaving the kids alone with him. But, the difference between us is that I don't leave them with him EVER for any extended period of time. I have grandma watch them if I need to go somewhere and try to almost always be present when they are with RAH. He, on the other hand, repeatedly says what a terrible mother I am but has no qualms leaving them in my care all of the time. Just for the record, I am an excellent mother. I am a self-employed, stay at home mom. I don't drink, smoke, hang out in bars. I give my kids hugs and kisses everyday. I read to my children. We swim, we jump on the trampoline, we go for walks, we go to parks, we hunt for agates, we pick berries, we have bonfires, etc. I treasure all of the time I have with my children and I am feeling very sad and sorry for myself tonight because my RAH went out of his way today to make sure that my Mother's Day was miserable. If only he would put that much effort into being a nice guy.....
I wonder how many of us spent Mother's day or the day after being hurt just as your RAH did. Mine too knows that the best way to get at me is through our kids and through suggesting that I am a bad mother, could make things better for them if I tried harder (ie: when he breaks promises its my fault bc I didn't call to remind, hound etc... him to keep his word). You know you are a great mom and he knows it but he also knows that it is your achilles heel to question it and so he does. Mine does it too. It's really hard to walk away from those remarks. I won't pretend that it's easy or that I do it well all the time. Last night I got sucked right in. I guess the best we can do is hope that the next time our "R"AH's present us with verbal attacks we KNOW are false, that we have the ability to walk away or respond with just an "oh" or "really" and remind ourselves of what is true:
You are a great mom & your H is sick and will do anything-- even hurt his kids and wife with the things he says-- to protect his sickness.