I was verbally abused (never physically) for over 20yrs without even recognising it as 'abuse'. My AH and I met at 15yrs old and it started from around the time we started living together and married at 21yrs. I just used to tell myself that it was the drink talking as it only really happened when he had been drinking or that we were particulary bad at communicating, no matter how hard I tried to make that better.
I was told I didnt wash enough, I was boring, I was frigid, I had no friends, no interests, I didnt clean the house enough, didnt do the washing right, didnt load the dishwasher right, watched too much TV, I was lazy, had too much time off work, spent too long on the computer, didnt go to bed early enough - the list goes on. He once sang 'what have you done today to make you feel proud' (by the M People) with a tone. I cant hear that song today without reliving that moment. I have spent the last 22yrs trying to 'improve' myself but it never seems to be enough. That stuff has got to chip away at your self esteem and confidence right?
When I first went to see a psycotherapist last year, he would tell me all the time to leave my AH, but I couldnt. I kept telling my therapist about the good times, that made it hard to leave. He would explain abuse cycles, how abuse would build up, the abuse would happen and then the honeymoon period would commence - repeat over again. I understood this phenonemon but still couldnt bring myself to leave. I stopped going to see that therapist because I felt he wanted me to leave and I couldnt and he wasnt offering me any alternative ways of dealing with, and staying with an active alcoholic.
When I was finding it almost impossible to stay healthy and detach from my AH and living in ambivilence, I found and made an appointment with a therpist who had alcoholism experience and she has made a huge difference to my life. I explained to her from the start that I didnt appreciate being told to leave by the previous therapist and so she stayed completly away from that subject matter.
We had many conversations and lots of information filtered through, but I took it at my own pace. She did however explain that my AH verbal abuse is part of his own personal moral behaviour and alcohol only increases that but does not cause it.
She told me the story of men she visited in prison who would blame their crimes on being drunk and would tell me that many people drink but never rob a bank etc. The same with abuse, many drinkers of alcohol and alcoholics too never abuse their partners because of their deep core beliefs. They know its wrong to verbally abuse, so they dont, even under the influence.
This helped me to put a lot of what I have been going through into perspective and now I am getting a stronger idea of myself, the sort of person I am, who I want to be and the sort of person (with morals and values) that I deserve. I am a well educated woman with a first class honors degree that I gained whilst bringing up two young children, I am a member of an acapella singing group and enjoy the social life that brings.
Its taken a year of therapy (Al-anon and SR) to get to this point of feeling empowered and looking forward to a new chapter in my life, supporting myself and being on my own.
I have told my AH of 22yrs that he has chosen to continue to drink and thats his choice but I have a choice too and that choice doesnt involve living with an alcoholic and I am leaving. We are still cohabiting but in separate bedrooms whilst I plan my new life and look for somewhere else to live. He is still drinking.