Cyranoak

This is tough because there really aren't any hard and fast guidelines I'm aware of. I "joined" this little family of people with alcoholic spouses in the year 2000, and still sometimes don't know where supportive and beleaguered meet either.

That said, after years in Alanon I've come to the point where more often than not I know it by feel. I can just tell, but I can't really tell anybody else how I know other than to say I know. However, without years in Alanon I wouldn't know at all. This site helps too.

You might start with what you are already doing-- hold him to reasonable and normal standards you would hold anybody else to, and never, ever do anything for him that a regular person can do for themselves. If he sinks, he sinks, and he'll drag you down with him if you let him. If he swims he swims.

Now on to the good stuff-- you are doing great with the boundary setting piece which is sometimes very hard for people. You have one around the circumstances under which he may come home, and you are holding fast. Keep doing that and there may be a chance. Stop doing it and you permanently lose credibility and he knows he won't have to change.

Good luck with all of this.

Cyranoak