Hey, Jaked. Hope you're feeling better today. How did the ativan turn out?
For me, it was key to give it up once and for all. Every time before I would aim for a period of a week or a month or a few months, with the plan to allow myself one or two, as if I would suddenly be able to moderate. I would never even reach my goal, and would never stop at one or two once I started.
I think the reason is that when I did that—when I planned to have a drink at some point in the future—I remained a drinker in my mind. I was just a drinker who was denying myself a drink. And who wants to spend every day depriving yourself something you want? Then each day is defined by an absence or lack of alcohol. It was like there was a hole in my life that was just waiting to be filled. Not a fun way to live.
But once I accepted that alcohol was ruinous for me—that it added to stress instead of relieving it, and always ended in pain, regret, and depression—it became obvious to me that there was no reason to hold it out like some kind of reward. Think about that wedding plan of yours: is that any way to celebrate? Or is it just a really good way to mess up the best day of your life?
In my mind now, it's not about denying myself anything. It's about embracing all the things life has to offer, and refusing to let alcohol steal any more time or hope or emotions from me. I want it all—good days, bad days, the whole life that is rightfully mine. I didn't quit drinking. I started living.
Hope you're doing better today.