tuffgirl, WOW... im new to this whole thing so reading something so like my experiences helps to put things in perspective.
the --> "But what I did hear was these two things:
1. He is NOT RESPONSIBLE for my feelings.
2. He does NOT HAVE TO JUSTIFY HIS ACTIONS."
was just as confusing to me too after he started therapy... there's truths to what those mean... but they apply it in a manipulative way. i remember ALWAYS making sure i had a smile and a hug for him when he came home from work because mid-relationship, when the "something's not right" feelings about my relationship started coming... he said i made him feel horrible when i wasn't happy. it's like, wait a minute--doesn't that mean you should actually try and actually figure what makes me happy and do them instead of me being happy just so you could be happy [and thus, making me base my happiness on if id made u happy or not?!]. the end of my relationship ended in my getting yelled at many times for crying... that i was just being a manipulative girl... at that point he had taken away ALL of my power... i was to the point where i was "convinced" i wasn't allowed to have feelings either.
i feel like them "wanting us to be happy"... and those weird feelings we got after an actual good date/day... stems from the underlying realization that "this isn't a good relationship" and both people keep wanting to deny it. on our part, because we still want to believe... and on the As part because to admit it means to take responsibility on their shortcomings... like the fact that they really have no clue on how to make us happy and even if they did they're too drunk to follow through with it (which ends up giving them that vicious cycle of guilt and binging)... and on those good dates/days... they wake up the next day knowing that it's eventually going to be their undoing that'll take away that good vibe from a good date/day... that it's too much effort on their part to keep it up... so their doubting their abilities just creates that vicious cycle of passive aggressiveness... that eventually leads back to the same story over and over again... because they already feel like a failure and to not be is just too damn hard and impossible [from their end]