Things that popped into my head...
Do you think the extraneous things he had to bring over were just a way to interact?
Do you think that the tension from the date that went well Sat is bc he might have hoped it would be enough for you to return to the status quo with him?
I've had that same "something doesn't feel right" conversation with my AH far too many times to count. It results most of the time in pretty much what you describe. I think that I hope, in saying that and sharing how I feel, that he will also want to identify what he's feeling and like normal people we'll figure out the cause of the tension and can resolve it. That has never happened.
Instead I get told precisely what you were told or I get told I am imagining things and am crazy.
It took me back to the old pattern...Tuffgirl can only have one emotion - happy - and everything else is wrong and not his responsibility. Tuffgirl is not allowed to ask him about his feelings (take the temperature, so to speak) nor share her own feelings unless they are happy. He can be a remote, distant, jerkface and he is not responsible for the consequences therein. Tuffgirl's feelings are a manipulation, beware!
Wow- exactly my life with AH. EXACTLY. You've described this so well and brought clarity for me about things with myself just from reading this-- thank you!
I remember, especially toward the end of living with him, trying so hard to control everything (me, the girls, life, the dogs, and so on) in order for things to be happy and nothing else. I was exhausted by trying to be a robot and stuff my feelings, unless they were happy. I am tired of only being allowed to feel happy around him, and don't ever want to hear him say again that he "only wants to make me happy".
You just described me to a t... You said it so well. Trying to force everyone to be happy and being more miserable than ever bc of it... I can't think of the last holiday that wasn't miserable in my home and the reason for that is bc I'd try so hard to force the girls and I to be happy, that none of us were and it was a nightmare...
So anyway, I did hang up on him because I refuse to subject myself to these attacks anymore. I was attempting to communicate with him and he got instantly defensive (as usual). Hanging up wasn't the most mature way of handling the run-in, but I couldn't get a word in edgewise so it seemed like the only way to back out of that.
Attempting to communicate with my AH and anyone who I gather isn't serious about living as a healthy human being ='s waste of time. I've had to hang up on AH too at times bc trying to end the conversation appropriately isn't possible. Typical rules of behavior don't apply I guess at times when dealing with an A.
It's been close to 6 months sober for him. When do the 12 steps kick in? Sheesh - another reminder of just how angry this man is, just under the surface. I know what he is telling me is a warped version of what he gets at AA. "Not responsible for your feelings" is NOT PERMISSION TO ACT AS YOU PLEASE AND DISREGARD OTHER PEOPLE'S FEELINGS! DO they ever get that?!
I've gotten the warped, fitting the rationalizations he wants it to fit version of what he gets from AA too. Except I didn't figure out that it was a wacked out version for a while so I got pretty upset with AA for a time... I thought "really? AA is telling you to come back and blame me?" and I believed it... Idiotic huh? I love what you put in bold- I ought to get a t shirt that reads that so I can remember it...