step one
A long-time friend of AA, Dr. Harry M. Tiebout, clarified brilliantly the difference between submission and the surrender idea which is implied in step one of the 12 steps.
"In submission," he said, " an individual accepts reality consciously but not unconsciously. He accepts as a practical fact that he cannot at the moment conquer reality, but lurking in his unconscious is the feeling: "there'll xome a day..."
This is not real acceptance. The struggle is ongoing. With this temporary yielding, tension continues; but when the ability to accept functions on the unconscious level as surrender, there is no residual battle. There is relaxation and freedom from strain and conflict.
p.135 One Day At A Time In Al-Anon
I don't think I have surrendered. As attested to by my desire to press charges against my husband and hold him accountable. Really I just want to hurt him as much as he hurt me. Slam Bam Man! See how it feels?
Seems to me though:
1. Surrendering happens only when you are at your wits end. I have been there and came back from the edge, but obviously did not surrender. If I can go there and come back without surrender, what else could possibly cause me to surrender?
2. Submission is the obvious step if you don't find yourself surrendering. Seems as though submission is simply acceptance. Wouldn't acceptance be the first step to surrendering? So is it possible they are stair steps to the same place as opposed to being one or the other? Simply different levels of the same idea? Sort of like a deepening of emotional awareness possibly?
So, I don't know how to get to submission. Plain and simple.
I will just wait and debate and see what comes over the next few days.