Thanks again chicory.
It helps a lot that you say you don't completely blame the disease of alcohol. Is it odd that I don't know if I ever want to get to the stage of being able to completely blame the disease? I feel like I'd be letting her off the hook and I can't do that.
I guess one reason it's hard is because with other diseases, like cancer, most patients want to be cured. They seek treatment. With a disease like alcoholism, they really have to want to get better, and it's so hard for them to admit they need help and seek it out. I know my mom knew she had a problem (I saw knew b/c she hasn't drank in several weeks and she probably won't drink anymore since my dad won't let it in the house and she isn't going to go anywhere at this point). I just don't think she wanted to admit it to anyone, to professionals. It must feel embarrassing. Also, I know there are a lot of things that supposedly happened in her past that she didn't know how to deal with, and that's one reason she started drinking. She doesn't know how to cope very well. I don't think she wants to go through all those things again, and she knows she'd have to address that stuff. I can't tell you how many times my dad tried to get her to go speak to somebody about those things, but that just made her even more upset (as is often the case for anyone trying to get an alcoholic to seek help). She's lash out and say, "I'm not the one that needs to talk to someone, you are!"
It's hard because the whole situation still has such a hold on my life. My boyfriend lives about 10 hours away and I want to move there. I feel guilty leaving my family here. I feel a little guilty leaving my mom when she's sick. I feel even worse about leaving my dad and sister to have to deal with everything. At the same time, I get angry and think that her situation shouldn't stop me from living my life. That makes me feel guilty though. I'm so upset at her that she can't just be normal so I could live my life and not feel bad about it!
My sister doesn't really talk about it. She used to be scared to stay home alone with our mom because sometimes mom would pass out, so my sister would essentially be all alone. We've both had to worry about her picking us up from school drunk or passing out and forgetting to pick us up all together. I wish she'd talk about it, but I'm not going to force her until she wants to. She doesn't like when we talk about it because I usually end up getting so angry and yelling. Yelling scares her. That makes me feel bad. I just get so worked up over it, and I guess it sort of angers me that nobody else gets as upset about it as I do. I guess it's because my dad feels guilty about it, whereas I don't feel any of it was my fault. Oh, I know we enabled her, but how was I supposed to know when I was a kid!I didn't want people to know my mom was an alcoholic. I didn't want people to pity me.