I'm scared of having accountability. I'm sure that's because I'm not yet to the point where I can say I'm an alcoholic. I feel like if I said it and then I can't fix it, or even try to fix it, then I'm somehow a worse person than I am just being an alcoholic and not trying to fix it. That's weird, isn't it? Who thinks that trying to fix their problems is worse than just having those problems? That's sort of a rhetorical question, but I do actually think it's weird that I think that. Is that just more rationalizing? Am I just thinking that because it's a way I can say it's mentally easier for me to keep drinking? It protects my fragile ego from being judged about my efforts in bettering myself? Jesus, where did this inferiority complex come from? I had a great childhood. My parents are great. I never needed or wanted anything. Why do I feel like trying to be better and failing is such a big deal?