Originally Posted by
duqld1717 
This sounds horrible but I have never admitted this before. I feel like he was a male escort to me not a boyfriend. I paid for everything that we did and he came along for the free ride, he was mentally and emotionally absent, no extra love, distant and he was basically free to come and go as he pleased. I would put up a fight but it never mattered. I labeled him my "boyfriend" but he was no more than a stranger that I financially supported and took care of like a child. He was in my life but it came at a high price-I had to give give and give some more. Whether that was money and just plain caretaking, I had to give to pay him off. For what? Simply his presence. And if I didn't give, well the bottle would be right there for him to run to. He got drunk and I had to be the boyfriend and girlfriend in the relationship. I was alone and I was the only one out of the two of us that cared. If I didn't care then who would because he didn't do anything to keep us afloat? He was as good to me as a peice of furniture or a plant-he was useless. I didn't mean anything to him but a warm body that he used to avoid hitting his bottom. Writing that makes me want to cry.
Wow, Thanks for saying out loud what I've been thinking to myself!!!Some of the details are different but the overall theme is the same. This is what our relationship turned into midway thru. I try to figure out if I was even in a relationship or was I just convenient. It makes me question the beginning when he was the pursuor and wonder if that was real of just a set-up for down the road. I invested so much time and money in him and his problems and got very little in return. I once told him that I felt like all I was was "his safe place to land". He said why would you say something like that its so self-deprecating but in all honesty its how I always felt!! I think the hardest part of coming to terms in these relationships is trying to seperate the person from the disease. If there was no alcohol or drug involvement I think I would have been clearer on whether I was loved or used!
Thats the hardest part for me! In a normal relationship you can clearly see people and their intentions. When your emeshed in so much dysfunction you question everything. I really feel for you, I wish I could give you a big hug!!!!