Thanks chicory. I enjoyed talking with you in the chat tonight too.
I actually haven't talked to my mom about this illness at all. I have barely looked at her. She disgusts me. Now I have pity for her because I wonder if she's sitting up in her bedroom finally realizing what she did to herself, feeling depressed, scared, lonely, embarrassed. I still can't bring myself to even go in there. I don't know what to say. I want to say, "Are you happy now?!" I do feel bad for her though. Above all, I'm angry.
The doctor told my dad that the damage is permanent, but she should be able to build herself back up if she eats healthy, normal meals and gets physical exercise. The liver issue basically makes fluid build up in her abdomen and lungs, and it also made her anorexic. She NEVER ate. That was going on for years, but you couldn't physically tell. It was only over the past few months that she wasted away to almost nothing. My dad tried to call the doctor tonight to get more info, because it actually says "liver failure" on the discharge papers. That sounds worse than what the doctor told my dad. I've looked info up, but there's so much info on the internet...
My sister is very shy and wouldn't speak to anyone at al-anon. She does need to speak to somebody, but I don't think she will right now. I know she is affected by it, but nobody seems as affected and upset about it as I am. My sister doesn't seem extremely bothered. I know she must be though.
I wasn't aware of the 3 C's before. Luckily, I realize all 3 of those things. I'm beyond that point. I know I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. I'm still really angry she didn't stop for us though. I've turned rather selfish in the past few years. I don't really care about her for the most part, I hate her. I hate her for what she did to us. I don't want to hate my own mother. Oh wait, I don't feel like she's my mother anymore anyway. I hate this being that she became. You're right, she was an excellent parent before this happened. She was the leader of my girl scout troup. She didn't have to take alcohol with her to make it through the day. A few years ago, she went to one of my sister's girl scout meetings, brought a box of wine, was drunk, threw up, and fell down in front of everyone! She wasn't like this back then. It hurts so much because I know what she used to be like and I long for those days so badly.
This issue affects other areas of my life too. I have a wonderful boyfriend who I've been with for 4 years. We plan to get married when we're more settled and can afford it. He hates my mom for what she's done to me and the mean things she's said to him when drunk. I get so angry about her and vent to him and it turns into arguments. He gets frustrated and sometimes he doesn't want to be with me because he has to deal with all the drama of my mom. He won't actually leave me, but he admits al the anger and issues I have dealing with my mom makes it difficult sometimes.
It's very hard to not be affected by her when she's constantly affecting everyone in the family. I don't think she'll drink again, but now with this illness she's going to constantly be affecting everyone. I'm not going to dote over her. My dad will forever have to deal with this, so in turn, I feel I will have to do that too. I can't just abandon my sister and father.