Thanks everyone for their advise and input!
I'd like to address the question about the kids first. They are all doing fine. The two younger ones (10 and 7) do not know that daddy is an A. AH is good with them and is only grumpy every now and again, but nothing out of control. Our oldest is a 17 year old son and he does know. I have had multiple discussion with him. As I am learning and educating myself I share information with him. He understands what detaching is and knows to walk away if his dad is arguing with him. He is a teen so sometimes he doesn't so if needed I step in to get it to stop. I have discussed Alateen with him, but at this point he is not interested. I am sure there is some anger and frustration with his dad, but all in all I have to say he is a well adjusted teen. If AH's illness progresses to the point where it is causing harm to my kids then things will change to protect them. However like others have stated on here, absent abuse, I worry about divorcing him since then I would have no control over what he does during his time with the kids. I would have no way of knowing what is going on.
You guys hit on some or all of the points I feel I need to consider. While my life is not horrendous right now it sure isn't even close to the kind of relationship I would like with my husband. Long term I do not think I am okay with status quo, but for now I do think I need to stick it out to see if things do get better as there is always that chance he will become a RAH and a chance we can build back our relationship. The other point that really hits home is the fact that his illness is very likely to progress and do I want to wait around for that and waste even more of my life before I do make huge changes? If I had a crystal ball I guess it would make it easier *sigh*. I need to not only think about myself but also my kids. Right now they seem good, they are having a good life and if I left this relationship it would really cause a ton of chaos for them. Of course if we can't continue to keep our issues out of their lives then things will have to change. If we were not married with kids this would be easy (or at least easier) and I would not put up with this crap for a second. However I am married with children so I need to carefully consider how I handle things.
What I would really like to be able to do at this point (I think) is be able to return back to work so that if I do need to get out at least I have more financial security and am building my own career back up. The issue with that is we have NO support or help since none of our family nor close friends live around us. I also worry that it would add even more stress which is the last thing our family needs right now. As I think and type what is hitting me is I should wait about a year to see how things are going. I think in about a year I will have a clearer picture of everything. Do you think that seems reasonable? In that year I can continue my healing, better understand who I am and what I need to change ... and that should be long enough to see if the changes in me are affecting AH and his possible recovery. I finally gave up on trying to" help him" a few months ago. This is the first time I am stepping away and not being an enabler nor codependent. I am here if he needs my support but that will only come at his request.
Keepinon now I am wondering if I am one of the "older" ladies or not...hahahah. I do see your point. The older ladies in my alanon group seem to have stayed with their AH. They seem to be happy, but maybe they are just more accepting of a life that is not what they really wanted and their AH's illness never produced abuse etc?? hummm interesting ...
What I do know is that it sucks having an AH and having to face all of this crap. Life is too short and if I could go back in time knowing what I know now I would have seen that cute teenage boy that I feel in love with and kept moving on. Maybe if he finds recovery and we build back our relationship I'll feel differently, but right now I wish my HP would have found me a different person. It is hard to love someone and watch them slowly destroy themselves.