Am I doing the right thing?
It has been a bit since I actually started a thread, but I think I need some feedback to make sure I am on the right path and not missing something.
Quick recap for anyone who doesn't know me and my situation: Started dating AH when we both were teens. Married at 22 and have been married for 21 years now. We have 3 kids. There is no physical abuse, not much in the way of verbal abuse. AH has admitted for the past 8 years he is an A, has tried to quit multiple times, no formal rehab, but lots of AA and working with a T. He is actively drinking, but sneaks all of it.
Over the years his illness has progressed which has really damaged our marriage. He is a HFA and holds a good job without any issues. I am a stay at home mom (I have a college degree and had a good job until I quit to stay home with the kids 10 years ago). He has never had a DUI, doesn't get smashed and pass out, but mostly keeps to himself. He has become somewhat of a recluse. Until recently we have been doing the alcoholic dance where we go through phases of pretty normal, walking on egg shells, grumpy and unreasonable, and then a big blow up.... then a "honeymoon" phase of me thinking he gets it and he is Mr. Charming and is pretty good... and then the circle continues. Over the years this is getting faster and faster with less of the good stuff. After MC and then our last big blow up it became painfully obvious that until he is in active recovery there is not much we can work on to get the marriage back on track.
At this point I have read Codependence No More, continued personal therapy and started alanon. I am busy reading the Alanon book and come here and read often. I learned detachment real quick and have been focusing on my recovery (I am also an ACAP). I know I still have a long way to go with my recovery (but my T told me that I am moving along really quickly).
Emotionally and physically I have detached from my AH (of course I love him and I am not totally emotionally detached) because I felt I needed to after so many lies, bad behaviors etc I became unable to trust that any "love" he was giving me was genuine. The only time he went out of his way to show me "love" was during the honeymoon phase which I think was just to draw me into his dance. I need to feel loved to want sex otherwise it feels like I am being used.... so there is nothing physical left between us. At first, after I stopped the "dance" he would hold my hand but once he realized nothing was coming of it (ie sex), that has stopped too. Maybe he thinks he needs to give me some space, maybe I need that space right now, but really it all just sucks.
After reading about others on this site I know things could get better (ie he actually does become a RAH and his attitude gets better) or things could continue to go down hill. I know I have no control over his illness and I only can control me. I want to remain hopeful that by me changing and healing that he too will want better and he will get better. Remaining hopeful is hard after seeing what has happened to others on here.
We are at this awkward place where no one is jumping ship, things are calmer since I don't engage in his quacking any longer (well I try not to), but I am pretty sure he is drinking more. I think I just need to continue to focus on me and my recovery and give the rest to my HP. BUT I am worried that I should do something more. I guess the codie in me lives on because I want to have one of those great talks with him to see where things stand, but I know unless he is working a plan and not drinking it just puts me back into the dance. Do I need to just give it time? Is there anything else I could be or should be doing now? It has been over 2 months since I stopped the "dance". I just hate where things are and want better.