This temptation to drink, I think, will always be authentic for some of us. At this point I cannot imagine that there will ever come a time when it doesn't gnaw at me. If it wasn't authentic, I (we) wouldn't be in this space, and there wouldn't be millions of people in AA.
It's an authentic desire that sucks the authenticity out of experience.
It's Thursday again and I'm in the middle of a hellacious week. I am panicked about what I will do on Friday after the last horrendous meeting. We are hiring a faculty member. I am now on the committee but for years I was one of the applicants. I interviewed and received one-year appointments for my job EIGHT times before it becoming real. So making these decisions breaks my heart. The first two rounds I just bawled about it. I know what it means to people.
So Friday at 2:00 we will narrow our pool from 220 to about 15. I will have had a hand in those decisions--some perfectly logical, others seemingly capricious. Oblivion will look good to me.
It will be all I can manage not to just go home, get my husband and go drinking. Then I become this other person who is light-hearted and clear in her decisions. Inauthentic authenticity.
I will need a plan I guess. I sort of thought I would sew, as I haven't had the chance lately while reading these files every night. I don't think I can go out even for dinner though--too dangerous. Maybe my first women's meeting...but Phil will be waiting for me to be available to him after this week.
Thanks for listening. I'm scared. I got 13 days before blowing it last Friday. That release just takes over.