Im dead
Well, I relapsed again. Big time. So, for all who are interested, the clock got re-started. I have really been trying to think of what led to this, how I could have prevented it, and how it will be prevented in the future. One word . . . STRESS.
I stress on everything. I create my own stress. The big one for me is the near loss of a close family member. I worry about that one a lot. I am always bitter about it, want to get revenge, etc. Now that person is fine. What I did realize in my pontification is that I am the one who is dead. No, not a brush with death. I am dead. I look into my soul-mirror every day and don't recognize myself. I didn't have a brush. I am dead!
Luckily I am not actually (physically) dead. I need to rebuild. I have a lot of work to do, but I have a lot of energy to expend if I am not drinking and stoking the rage-fire. I am really down right now, but I am feeling very clear-headed and able to take inventory of this situation.
I know someone posted earlier today about denial, but I really feel that is behind me and I'm running like hell to get away from it. I know what I've done and rather than wollow in the negatives, I'm going to use those experiences as a catalyst to move forward.
I have been wanting to write this post for two days. Glad I got it out.