Cassandralee

I joined up a few weeks ago and have been reading here every day and wanted to say hi and what a fantastic support group this is.

I have no idea where to start with my story. Like a lot of people I grew up with both parents as functioning alcoholics. I had my first drink (rum)when I was 11, at a school prom night. Got caught and was suspended for one week. My parents were more worried about what people would think, rather than my drinking.

Lots of binge drinking from then till my mid 20's when I became pregnant and stopped and never really took it back up as it didn't fit the image I had imagined for me as the 'perfect mother' (the opposite to what I considered to be my mother).

I was blessed with two beautiful daughters and I devoted myself to them.

Seven years ago my marriage broke up, and I found myself back on the singles scene and got reaquainted with alcohol. I just dabbled a little bit here and there, when I went with friends, having a good time. I thought I had things pretty much under control.. coping really well as a single mum.

Four years ago (in my past life) the Police knocked on my front door and asked me if they could come in. I knew it was bad news. I became hysterical and was begging them to tell me that it wasn't one of my girls. But it was. My beautiful 16 year old had been killed in a car crash. That was the end of happiness for me.

I've been diagnosed with PTSD and I had a psychologist up until six months ago when she left.

The only medication I've used has been alcohol. Huge amounts of it to block out the pain and help me function, somewhat. I had some blackouts and my youngest daughter has had to look after me, at times. At my worst I was drinking about two bottles of red wine a night and sometimes a few straight scotches as well. I'm ashamed to say I drank drove as well. Thank God I never hurt anyone or got caught.

At the start of last year, I decided to cut down for my daughter. I control drank one bottle of champagne per night (I called that 4 drinks) and did pretty good sticking with that plan. I would wait till I picked her up from school, and then have my first drink and have all the bottle finished within 1 hour tops. Then spend the next few hours trying to act sober!

My daughter hated seeing me drinking and was constantly on my back about it. I felt so guilty.. I felt like she was growing up with a mother just like I had.. and I knew how she felt. She somehow got me to agree to pour out one glass of champagne from my bottle each night... so I was only having 3 glasses instead of 4. She would stand guard while I did this lol. There was a couple of occasions though, where I would buy my daily bottle of champagne, plus a mini bottle of scotch, which I would hide and drink secretly from her so she always thought I only had my 3 drinks.

At the start of this year I was mostly down to 2 glasses per week day, and I let myself drink 3 or 4glasses on Fri/Sat/Sun nights as a reward.

I saw a doctor in February about my depression and drinking and she wanted to put me straight onto anti-depressants. I've always been a bit scared of anti-depressants, I have no idea why. So I decided I would stop drinking and see if that helps my depression.

I stopped at the start of March but I haven't decided if it's forever yet. The first week was really hard with lots of feelings of emptiness, cravings and headaches.

Instead of the alcohol, I eat chocolate every night and drink heaps of water.

My depression is different now to when I was drinking. Not as black and hopeless, but I still don't have much energy or motivation to do much. I used the alcohol to mask my grief, so I'm hoping now that I'm feeling again, this will be the start of my healing.

Sorry for such a long first post....