So RAH comes home for an AA meeting yesterday telling me that he found a solution to our childcare issues. (My biggest issue is that I have no help. I don't trust RAH husband with the kids since even while not drinking his judgment when it comes to their safety is off.) So he tells me that there is someone from AA who is an older woman who just finished taking care of he grandchild and she is available & inexpensive.
I am in the same boat. Do NOT trust my "R"AH with our kids which definitely complicates childcare on al anon nights etc... But I think you are wise to trust your gut and be safe than sorry.
I told him out right that I didn't think it was a good idea to pursue having this woman care for our children. He immediately jumps on - it's because she's an A, you won't even consider it. Truthfully, that is part of my concern.
I'd have the same concern and I think it's valid. #1. You don't know her. #2. All you have is her word that she's sober and I would not trust a stranger from AA with my kids either.
I have NO IDEA where this woman is in her recovery, and these are MY CHILDREN we are talking about. And during the 'interview' process I'm thinking coming out and asking how long she has been sober is a huge no no.
Why is that a no-no? Because it might make her uncomfortable? Tough. They're your kids. You have every right to ask that if she's expressing a willingness/interest in watching your kids. If she balks at it then that should be your answer right there. I think it's crap that we non A's feel we need to tip toe around calling out the elephant in the room for fear that it will upset the A. Tough. Your kids come first. Not the A's feelings.
RAH automatically jumped down my throat and said that because I was unwilling to give her a chance I will never accept HIS recovery.
He made that assumption-- that doesn't make it true. Don't waste your breath trying to explain otherwise to him. A's (at least the ones I've known) LOVE to jump to conclusions the instant they are not given the answer they want. I guess he wanted you to say "Oh that woman sounds great" and have no questions for her? Hmmmm sounds pretty much like how my AH (and I imagine others') want me to just blindly believe his claims that he is in "R". The jumping down your throat seems like the typical A response to having anything challenged. Sorry you're having to deal with that but you know it's not about you right? You are behaving reasonably and cautiously for your kids sake.
I proceeded to try to explain to him that A aside, he KNOWS how picky I am about leaving my kids with ANYBODY. That aside from a few select people that I know VERY well, and have an emotional investment in our lives, I don't leave them with any random person. My critera when selecting someone to watch my children (who are 1, 4 & 6 by the way, including a child with significant special needs) is either a family member, a close friend who I've known forever or someone with references from some I know and has allowed them to watch their children for a considerable amount of time.
I'm guessing he was and is aware of all of this. To me his reaction comes across as an opportunity for him to find something to have a fit about- even something perfectly reasonable that you are explaining. The issue seems to be his desire to have a fit and jump down your throat and I doubt very much that it has much to do with his feeling incensed about you not wanting this woman to babysit. My AH has for years looked for any and every excuse to have fits and be annoyed with me. That's how I read your H's response to this. You should not have to explain to the father of your kids why it is you want to exercise caution about who watches them. That's just insane.
Not to mention, bringing someone into our home who RAH goes to meeting with seems like a conflict of interest. It just doesn't seem like it would be a good idea ethically.
Just seems like a bad idea to have someone your not so recovering H is enamored with watch your kids. I wouldn't do it. How can you really know whether she's sober or recovering or not. Based on what your H says? Yikes.
When it comes to my children, I am unwaivering when it comes to my stance on their safety & well-being, so my decision is made.
BUT, am I really being close-minded in this particular situation?
IMHO, absolutely not.