looking4help

Hi all...I've posted once before in the newcomers forum...people were helpful there...but it seems that this is the place i need to be. I'm hoping that someone here will be able to offer some words to show me that i can attain peace again one day. This may end up being a little long...but I've got to get it all out once and for all.

My bf and I have been togther for almost a year now. By the time I realized how deep and long term his emotional and drinking problems were, I was already head over heels for him. I left him a few times when the drinking and pills got real bad...but he always sobered up for a few weeks....long enough to get me back and then it would start again. He has this sort of charm and charisma that I can never seem to resist when he turns it on. Back in April, we had finally gotten stable enough that we thought we wanted to live together. The day he was bringing his final load to my house, he had been drinking and driving my car. He rear ended somebody and was taken to jail. As the loving, dutiful girlfriend, I signed a bond to get him out. He was dreadfully sorry and stayed sober for about a month. Then his mom got very sick. Upon our return from seeing her, we headed to NC to visit with some friends where he had his first beer in a month. (to the day of the car wreck) On our way home, he was drinking in the car...which is not against the law in the state we live in.....but apparently it is in NC. We got pulled over and the cop gave ME a breathalizer. I drink maybe 4-5 times a year and certainly not when driving. We were in a very ritzy neighborhood when this happened and it was pretty nerve wracking. He had run from a DUI charge down there about a year ago, so they took him to jail and I came home late that night alone.

I was torn for about a week over what to do. I could see where my life was headed if I stayed with him. I've never been in any trouble with the law except a couple of speeding tickets, and all of the sudden, I had 2 different cops in 2 different states almost arrest me b/c of his actions involving my car. I consulted his family who all know how much I dearly love him, and they said as much as it would hurt that the best thing I could do would be to leave him in jail and let him fend for himself. I hated it with every bone in my body, but after much talking to trusted friends and loved ones, I finally came to the same conclusion. I would be better off to live my life without him. It had been 2 weeks since he was arrested. It was a Thursday night when my breasts began hurting in a very non PMS sort of way. First thing Friday morning I took a pregnancy test and guess what!!!

Just when I thought it was over. I reacted way too quickly. That night I drove back to NC and bailed him out of jail. He was shocked at the news of my pregnancy. It took him a few days to really talk much with me about it. He was hurt that I had left him there for 2 weeks, but we got through all of that. He didn't drink at all when he got home. We had many heart to hearts about what our future held...both for our relationship and our family 2b. He finally decided on his own that he needed in patient treatment. I have never been so delighted. We seemed to grow closer almost daily. Then the center called and said they would be taking him the following afternoon. It was bittersweet for both of us, but he got himself all packed up and ready. I took him the next day to get checked in. I came home and cried like hell clinging to his pillow all night....and many of the following nights. I wrote him letters almost daily and took up there. The first week was the hardest. I couldn't make the first 2 visitation times as I was finishing up school. The first time I got to visit him, I walked in...kinda nervous since I'd never been in this kind of environment and within 3 minutes of being there, I was ready to leave. He introduced a girl to me who was also pregnant and also in treatment as his "2nd pregnant girlfriend". I was hurt, appalled, embarrassed at the insensitivity of this. He had known her for less than a week and I felt he had put her on the same intimacy and companionship level as me....the one who has continually stood by him. I came within a hair of flying right out of that room.....but decided to buck up and stay. He was not as affectionate toward me as I'm used to, but I figured that had to do with the environment.

I was able to approach him about the comment later and told him how hurtful I'd found it. At the time, he apologized saying it was only meant to be a joke. It was hard, but I finally let it go. I was happy to know however that by the time I spoke with him about it (about 4 days later) she had already been discharged. Our next few visits went very well. I could see changes occurring in him....he seemed softer toward me and like he was beginning to be more comfortable opening up. I was so very excited to learn he would be coming home soon.

The day came. I picked him up. I could barely keep my hands off of him. After countless notes, letters, cards, and gifts that I had been sending and taking to him....I finally got him back. When he got home, he had a folder with all of his assignments, diary, etc from treatment. There were about 15 or so names and phone numbers from men that he had bonded with in there. And one nice little note from the girl. It said how much she would miss him, how he'd aggravated her (since the beginning of time when a boy aggravates a girl, it's called flirting), said he was still her boy even tho she came 2nd, signed if Love You...from his 2nd pregnant girlfriend...then put a ps about calling her to let her know about the baby and to remember if he ever needed her she's only a phone call away.

Now, I'll be the first to admit that I know very little of how the treatment program is set up. It's been explained to me that the people in there tend to be very sick and rely on each other greatly as they open up and talk about some very pinful aspects of their lives. I'm trying so hard to be understanding about this, but I can't help but feel that her writing all of that says that they just got entirely too close for just over a week.

I'm having some pretty huge insecurity and self-esteem issues with my body going thru the changes it's going thru...and he is completely withdrawing from me. I didn't say anything about the note to him. I had asked his permission to look at his folder and it was given. After reading it , I left the room while he was unpacking. About an hour later he made a comment about me being so quiet. I told him that I was just lost in thought...working some things out. He asked if it was about the note....I didn't say anything...then he went off on me...yelling at me telling me how ridiculous I was being. He reduced me to tears (which isn't that hard these days in my overly hormonal state) and went on about his business.

He's been home for just over a week now. He's going to meetings, out patient therapy and seems to be doing well. But he won't talk to me about much of anything except what's for dinner and what time I need to have him to work by. As long as we've been together, we've been a very intimate and affectionate couple. Not anymore. He barely touches me except for the obligatory kisses before sleep and getting out of the car as he goes to work.

I've shared with him that I miss the love in our relationship....he says telling him that is not the way to get it. I told him I was going to seek counseling. He thinks that's good....but when he asked why...at first I told him I didn't think I could talk about it with him. When he finally pushed me into telling him, he was critical toward me. He's always critical toward me... I can't wash dishes right, drive the car right, remember anything, I'm not exercising enough...the list goes on and on. I've cried just about every day he's been home. I used to fear how much time he would have to spend in jail and the fact that he probably won't be here when the baby is born. Now I find myself hoping they give him a couple of years. Then I feel completely guilty and ashamed of myself. I've told him that I worry that as he gets better he won't want meanymore...ehich apparently is a common fear among spouses of alcoholics. He never says anything to the effect of thinking he will. He tells me he loves me...but it sounds like habit more than truth.

It kills me daily. I love him so much and want him back. It's harder missing him while he's here than it was to miss him while he was gone. His eye roams to every cute butt and pair of perky **** he sees as I look away fighting back the tears and wondering if I'll ever get my figure back. I find it impossible to be excited about this pregnancy as I think of the life our baby is in store for. My strongest desire and dream is to have a happy, healthy family unit where mommy and daddy are both in the same home teaching love and respect by example. I don't want my child to ever hear the term "dysfunctional family" as I did growing up. I don't want to have to send him or her off to her daddy's for the weekend to be with him and whatever girl he's with that weekend. I don't want baby to see or hear my cries at night. And I shake my head in disbelief most days at the situation I've gotten myself into. I had such a different life planned than the one I feel stuck in right now.

I'm sorry...I know this isn't the right attitude to have. And I know how terribly selfish some of what I've written is...but it's how I'm feeling right now. If you've made it this far in reading, thank you. I just needed to vent and see if getting it out might help. I'm attending my first alanon meeting tonight. I don't quite know what to expect, but hopefully, I'll find it as helpful as so many on here have.


Love & Light to all from baby and me.