Tuffgirl

Early Recovery: Part 2

Moving day...I am so excited and scared all at the same time. It's my re-do, and I want it to be everything I hope for...

That said, I learned another lesson yesterday. RAH has been helping me with the move and initial home repairs. We've also been fighting. The daily contact has been overwhelming and our mutual resentments get the best of us.

Yesterday, while making a dump run with junk from the repairs, I finally spoke (after two days of silence) and told him I was simply trying to communicate the other day. I didn't mean to set him off, make him feel guilty, etc. Just trying to share where my head is at and how hard this whole situation is on me.

I asked him (again) why is insists on helping me with this and shared that it makes me really uncomfortable and I am questioning my actions everyday...

He responded (and I am paraphrasing here) that he is trying to do the "right thing" and he understands his words mean nothing to me so he is trying to show me I am important and he has the beginnings of an understanding of the chaos his drinking caused me and my kids, through this action. Even though this action is the LAST THING HE WANTS TO BE DOING RIGHT NOW. It was one of those moments where I realized I was getting action but not recognizing it for what it was. I have been so focused on a certain kind of action that I want to see that I was missing the action he is able to give me right now.

He said that by helping me create my "new normal", he may have a chance to be a part of that someday in the future. He acknowledged he is learning a lot of new concepts now that his brain is no longer in an alcoholic fog. He even said he has so much time on his hands he really has no other choice but to face some things, and in helping me move, he is trying to make some amends through action, not words.

I would have not seen it that way, had he not told me. It is much easier to wallow in my own hurt and think he just really wants me out of his house pronto and his helping is showing me that. And I would be wrong.

We talk here a lot about actions, not words. I guess my point this morning is to be careful not to overlook actions because they are not the actions we want to see. I almost did, and I am so grateful this morning for having a mind that is becoming more open to seeing reality, not just cherry picking what I want to see.

One baby step forward...progress...not perfection.

Now - onto moving - and reclaiming my "new normal".