Reading all of this is just so horribly sad. Sad what addiction causes, who it hurts, and what it destroys. The quote " "Alcohol has the power to bring even the strongest and smartest man to his knees" is such a perfect statement. As hurt as I am and as resentful as I am, under it all I feel a lot of compassion for my AH. He looked me in the eye a few months ago said to me " you know I want to not drink". 2 months ago, not fully getting the big picture of what being an addict is,(still not sure I do) I simply looked at him and told him "you know I find that really hard to believe". For those of us who are not addicts it just seems so easy... if we know something is destroying us we just don't do it. End of the story. (WOW light bulb as I was typing this... his addiction is destroying ME and I don't just walk away... CODIE.... BUT unlike him I am doing EVERYthing I can to untwist myself from it). When an intelligent person, who has a full and wonderful life can continue to destroy it even when they know the cause speaks volumes to me on how sick they are. I think this will really help me when I reach the point of letting go of my anger and to forgive. I'm afraid of letting go of the anger and hurt now because it is what keeps me focused. Right now I am not healthy enough to let it go and forgive, because if I do I think I would be sucked right back into the dance.
WTBH the conversations you shared here really gets to the heart of it all. We want to give them the words we think they need to hear, but when we really look at what is being said by the A his world evolves around protecting himself, not taking responsibility for his actions and most of all never really seeing how much harm it is doing to those around him. It doesn't matter what we say, the words will never be the right words, there is no such thing. It just makes me want to scream! You are a strong women and your HP is giving you want you need to make good decisions for yourself. You are well on your road to recovery.