Alone22,
so sorry to hear what you are going through. i think all of us at some point consciously or subconsciously know that this is not where we want to be. sometimes it takes a long time to open our eyes and see that we are in a middle of a chaos, all alone, neither knowing how we got there or what to do to fix it. and that's ok. it is not a good feeling, but it is necessary in order to start making changes.
you are on the right path. the path is cloudy and foggy, but at least you do see some of the problems with the current situation. i have been thinking the same thoughts more times than i care to remember. my husband's drug use has left me going in circles so many times. i heard someone refer to it as a dance of addiction. and we all dance, until we decide that we are too tired or too unwilling to continue this numbing dance.
similar to your husband, mine is also a picture of perfection. nice and loving father to our kids, a wonderful husband, taking care of all the bills, understanding, and so on. all of this, of course, provided no one rocks his boat and he gets to enjoy his drugs on the side.
at least at this point, you seem to realize that there is a problem and that is a very important first step. only you can change your life if you want to. i know it sounds cliche, but it really is true. i waited on my husband to realize that there is a problem, that this kind of life is not normal, etc., etc. sad to say, but even now that kids and i are gone (for about 1 month) he still doesn't see it. whether he ever will or not, i don't know. i hope for the best and the time will tell.
i wanted you to know that you are feeling what many of us also feel and it is completely normal for anyone in a relationship w/ an addict.
i know you are strong and have what it takes to make the right choices for yourself. i keep you and your family in my prayers. keep posting and venting, that's what we're here for.
hugs and prayers. Stay strong!