It's not Jazz. This is your addiction talking.
The best form of defense is support.
I really hope you decide to get some help and get yourself into some kind of a programme whether its AA or NA or some other recovery group, or some form of rehab, or counselling
I fought my addictions alone for years - it was always one step forward three steps back.
I was fighting myself - and no matter what the outcome, no matter whether I drank or drugged that night I always lost because sooner or later I'd go backwards again.
It was an endless loop.
When I found support, and made some real changes, the balance began to change.
D