And now you know he's quacking. It's a threat to get you to respond, and when you do you reinforce the behaviors. Like Pavlov's experiment with dogs and food - he acts, you react, he acts again, you react again and so on...
Detachment is being able to stop reacting. It's being able to ignore his phone calls, to resist the urge to engage with him in a nonsensical conversation, to lecture him on his drinking, to fall back into the same old patterns of interaction you've had with him in the past.
It's being able to focus on yourself and do what is right for you - whatever that may be (no contact? Al-Anon meetings? a massage? focusing your energy on having a relationship with your kids? living alone? divorce?)
It's being able to redefine your relationship with your husband to fit what it is TODAY. Drop the expectations you may have of what a husband should look like and ignore his expectations of what he thinks a wife should look like and accept what it really looks like today. An alcoholic marriage, which means not a marriage in any real sense.
Detachment also means developing the self confidence to stick to your boundaries and call their bluff. I've been amazed at how many times I have called my RAH's bluff in the last two months. When he would threaten divorce I would go into a tailspin. Now I just say, "do what you think is best" and leave it. And I am thinking while I say that, "QUACKER!" I resist the urge to argue, cojole, explain and repeat things 200x to get MY point across, and I only ask him general questions about his meetings and AA...never direct or personal questions about his recovery. Our relationship TODAY looks like two people very leery about each other but trying to be friends. I don't trust him. He doesn't trust me. We've got a long way to go.
That's why B66 talks about time...time is the key to sustained change. Time and actions. And that's why I chose to remain separated indefinitely. We don't have to rush out and divorce. But live together, no thank you! Tried that and it was a disaster. And I know that we are toxic to each other in early recovery. It's not just him. It's me, too. Hi, my name is Tuffgirl and I am the crazy spouse of an alcoholic.
Alcoholics don't know boundaries. They don't know control. They don't understand how to have an intimate relationship with people, because their addiction takes the priority each and every time. That is their main relationship. It drives them. If your husband is still drinking - there isn't a chance in hell you can have a healthy marriage with him. Let Al-Anon help you find acceptance of your reality today. With acceptance comes a sense of peace.
Lastly, remember to breathe. Slow your thinking down when you get triggered (start spinning emotionally). Don't just react, think first. Expect the behavior you are getting and then you won't be caught off guard by it. The first post on this thread shows you are changing your thinking - keep it up! Progress, not perfection! And when you fall off the codie wagon, think about what happened, what triggered you to react that way, make a pledge to do better next time, and get back on. You are human, its ok!
Will the insanity ever stop? Only when you decide its time to stop, BobbyJ. That decision is 100% yours.
Hope you have a calmer Sunday!
~T