Conversation with my Uncle
I just got off the phone with my uncle, a recovering alcoholic/addict. He's definitely experiencing some of the consequences of his lifestyle, sometimes when I talk to him he sounds a little loopy, things just don't make sense. Changes from one topic to another, rambles on a bit. But otherwise coherent, and I'm learning alot about my family history from him. Things about my mom (now deceased) that I never knew, and things about my grandparents. Not much has really surprised me so far. My mother's side of the family has always been a little off, but I never thought much of it.
Until he told me tonight that my grandmother's father died in a mental institution. Turns out he was a pretty bad alcoholic, and back in those days, that's where they ended up - committed. They would go see him occasionally, standing on the outside of the 'estate-type fence' (as my uncle described it) looking in, and my GGM and GM would tell the grandkids (my aunts and uncles) that he was the lead cook at the facility, that he was 'an important man in there'. He would stand at the fence and talk to them while the guards in the white coats stood 30 feet behind him, monitoring him. The whole family ran on denial.
At first I was shocked, and then it became so clear to me, why my grandmother is the way she is. She was raised by an alcoholic father, and a mother who never had alanon. I also found out that my great grandfather didn't want my grandmother when she was born, she was the last of numerous children, and was born when my great grandmother was in her 40s. He threatened to "throw her out" on a regular basis.
I see my grandmother in a whole new light right now, and I am very upset that she had to go through what she went through. I see now why denial runs so deep in her (still hasn't dealt with my mother's death, over 10 years ago), and why she uses guilt and manipulation to get her needs met. I see why she enabled her son, my uncle, for as long as she did, and still does. I used to be resentful at her for these traits, but now I realize that she is like I was, before I started my recovery. I feel a new compassion for her, and wish she was here so I could give her a hug.
Of course, I could never discuss this with her, she's never even mentioned her father before to either me or my sister. But I don't need to say anything. Just knowing is enough.
It is so clear to me now, how being raised in an alcoholic home can affect the children of your children of your children unless help is sought for the family. It feels good to know that I am stopping the cycle, or at least trying to, by choosing recovery.
I still feel like I have been punched in the stomach, but getting better. Just had to share with someone. Thanks for listening.