(((Leslie)))) I'm just catching up on some posts and threads and came across yours here. I am really sorry you are experiencing such heartbreak but I am really impressed with your sense of resolve. Of course you are feeling sad, alone and scared. You are going through a very difficult thing!
I was involved with an addict/narcissist many years ago and did the back and forth thing probably 20 times. All that hurt I put myself through!! But when I was DONE I just gave myself a "good talking to" and did a lot of self-help/spiritual reading for support. When I decided to be done once and for all, I had enough experience with this to know what I needed to do and that it was going to hurt like hell for quite a while. It helped to "prepare myself" mentally for the hurt that was to come...but I ALSO KNEW that it would not last forever. I kept the vision of a tunnel in my mind and my mantra was "you gotta go through it to get to it". Maybe it sounds silly but in those weak moments that silly little mantra got me through the roughest parts. It took me about 6 weeks to get past that raw feeling stage and like I was back among the living.
You're doing real good. We are here for you and please feel free to post as much as you want!
I hope today is a little better for you. (((Hugs)))