Wife in rehab . . . now what?
My wife entered rehab for prescription drug abuse last Monday for 6-8 weeks followed by 6-8 weeks of "intensive outpatient program". She seems to be doing fine, but I am more concerned right now on how I will deal with this.
To give a short backstory, when I look back on it now I can see when "the change" started last year. She started using prescription painkillers and we just started to fall apart. She shopped enough doctors that she couldn't use them as a source so she started to hit up friends and even the cleaning lady for drugs. She withdrew from me and her best friends because she knew that none of us would help her get more drugs. She started hanging around with new friends and started new behaviors. I feel stupid for not realizing what it was and I know now that I was at least unconsciously covering for her. I had no idea it was a problem (or that she was even taking the drugs) until I found an empty bottle of pain meds in her vehicle.
The strange part is that she kept every receipt from the pharmacy, in order, in the desk where we keep our records for taxes. If I had opened that drawer, I would have known the problem.
She went to two evaluations because she didn't feel like the first place gave her a chance. The second evaluation was even worse. Of course, going for the evaluations didn't stop her from using. After she had her license taken away for a year because she self-reported (forced to because her job mandated that she turn herself in before she could return to work), she finally agreed to treatment. The whole drive to the rehab center consister of her blaming any and everyone, denying that she had a problem and trying to claim that her problem isn't as bad as other people.
I'm taking care of our 17 month old son and have no issues with that. He is at a fun age and keeps me running until he goes to sleep. I try to keep him busy and he is generally very happy now that all the drama and arguments are gone. The house is actually quite peaceful now and I have found that I enjoy that. I'm starting to wonder if being by ourselves isn't a better situation for us.
She seems to be doing good. We were able to visit this past weekend and her actions seemed almost back to normal, though I know she is smart enough to fool her parents and me.
My problem is that I NEED TO KNOW everything. I can't get it out of my mind what she did to our marriage and I feel like I have to know everything that happened or I can't move forward. Addicts didn't get where they are because they made good life choices and I can't rid myself of thoughts of what other decisions she may have made. They had to write a "honesty paper" outlining all the ways they were dishonest (marraige, money, job, etc) and when I asked her if I could see that she said no. I know that she thinks there may be something in there that would be the proverbial straw that breaks the camels back and I will leave her. However, my imagination is probably far worse than anything she actually did.
I plan on attending an Al-Anon meeting tomorrow to try to get some understanding of myself. Maybe I'm wrong in my need to know but I'm trying to keep my own thoughts from destroying what little is left of our marriage. I do not blame myself for her problem though I think I should have been quicker on the uptake of the core of the problem.
Anyway, sorry for the vent. I just needed to get it out of my head for awhile.